I’ll be thankful if I never hear that phrase again. Do you know HOW many times I heard that as a response to our inability to have kids over the past 2 years?

Just relax, it’ll happen when you’re ready.

Well guess what, it never happened when we relaxed. It just happened when I gave up. ha. go figure.
All the temping, analysis of CM, reading how-to and time spent on message boards seeking support for this quiet struggle, it finally happened 2 years and on our way down the infertility route, just as we were to begin a battery of tests and drugs.

And in an instant, just when I gave up hope, cried about another devastatingly unproductive cycle, a new cycle never began. Instead, a miracle happened. Because you know, what everyone should’ve said was, the minute you give up hope, the minute you think it will NOT happen, is the moment that catches you off guard. It will be a moment frozen in time.

I waited over 2 weeks for my last cycle that never came. Normally, in my more optimistic baby-trying days, I’d have a plethora of cheap pregnancy tests stocked in our toiletry cabinet. In late 2006 when I gave in, I totally stopped buying tests and relied on my thermometer. By then, I’d bought, easily, $200-300 worth of these disappointing reminders of how I was so faulty.
On January 10th, I felt the strangest twinges in my abdomen. Clearly, it wasn’t my intestines or bladder. It was obviously something of importance. During lunch, I ran down the street to Walgreens to pick up a test, just to rule the obvious out. I ran straight to the bathroom and took the test.
I waited the longest 3 minutes of my life until I saw this:

12dpo.jpg

In total disbelief and no one to tell, I stared and studied this thing for hours until it was time to go home. I told my board girls, but that was it. I didn’t even tell Jeff when I got home. Instead, let my excitement simmer to a minimum and called the dr. right away to schedule an appt.

over the next few days, I’d test another 25 times or so, adding to my already ridiculous tally of hard earned money spent on test. Except this time, it was to disprove that ongoing theory of how I was faulty. It was to make myself believe, for once, that truly, things do happen when you least expect it.

I kind of ask myself how and why now, simply because I was the most bitter and resentful biatch there could be. I stopped believing, stopped praying and threw my hands up in the air.

And that is how I started to believe again and even, started to relax. but just a little.
hope

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